Its 2:03 AM in the morning and there is this sense of fear in my mind thinking about how my life would be in few months. Where will I end up? What will I do? What am I doing now? Why am I wasting my time writing this and not studying? And then there is this pause and then I can imagine my graduation degree in my hand with lots of memories. And thinking about that I feel like enjoying right now, not wasting a minute and collect as many memories as I can. But that’s not possible. Because that’s not practical. And I have to think practical as I am no more a kid now. That’s the rule number one which you have to follow when you enter in the world of adulthood. Its crazy how suddenly you have to think about your future and not about sugar candies anymore, even if you want to. I love sugar candies not just that I love everything that has sugar. It makes you fat, practically speaking but it makes you HAPPY!
It’s terrifying that after a point of time you have to take your own decisions and plan your life and you know what’s even scarier? That this was the life you always wanted when you were a kid. You wanted to be a grown up person and take your own decisions. But standing by your own is not an easy job. I am not even near that and when I try to plan things for my future I see myself sitting on the pot thinking that might help. But Shit! That doesn’t work anymore. Because now that you are on your own even the pot will not help you and all you can expect from it is to take your shit.
Sometimes I feel like shouting out loud and do stuff that I used to do when I was a carefree kid but then the very next moment someone or the other reminds me of my age and asks me to stop acting lame and stupid. But I don’t want to act normal. The kind of normal everybody behaves even if they don’t want to. As an adult you have to be mature. It fascinates you sometimes and it surely teaches you a lot of things but in the end of the day you want to sleep like a baby but now that you have left your childhood behind, you have to sleep with random confusing thoughts or just stay awake all night like me. I am not comparing myself with my parents or that age because I have no idea what they are thinking but what I know is they know what they are doing and what they will do for the rest of their lives. So, you know, this journey will never end. Like it or not.
WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD.
Is it the time or its me who is moving so fast. It’s already October 15. Well the one thing I feel happy about it is winter’s coming!
I don’t know why people think that winter is so dull and shady and sad. Ask me! I love winter! The feeling when sun kisses you and the cold breeze hit your hair. So fresh!
When the sweatshirts make you feel more cosy and the hugs are even more lovely that you want to stop hugging. When even the bed calls you “hey pretty, come here let me hug you!” When there is this natural blush on your cheeks all the time and you don’t need to wear makeup and lots of sunscreen and all the tanning goes away and you skin feels new. The skin that feels sick in summers when it’s filled with tacky oil that invites pimples and make you cry over everything. Yes! That’s sad! Really sad!
I don’t why this season has such a negative image. You wear a thick layer of clothes and still you don’t sweat and even if you do that is the only time when you like being sweaty! Sooooo goooodddd!!!! (just like KFC)
The natural pink colour of your lips makes you even more pretty! The loose pajamas and long sweats with furry slippers on at home is the best feeling ever! Isn’t it?
I am desperately waiting for winters so that I can feel the sun kissing me with the cold breeze hitting and then call me pretty whenever I go out! And not just this, the season is full of colours. The colours of perfection. White, black, Red! And who said it’s dull, it all depends on you how you see things and If you want to make your winters happy then who stopped you to wear colours. Brighten your winters with colours and happiness and don’t let the season change your thoughts about your liveliness in your life. And not to forget the best thing! Hot Chocolate and Coffee! God! The most amazing things humans made which can make you happy in every sad moment and more happy in every happy moment. And have you ever tried ice cream in winters? Of Course you have! It is the most exquisite feeling that one should always feel. So, welcome the season with a pair of cute pink and blue gloves with a matching pair of beanie and boots! Go Winters!
There are so many things which want them to happen in your lives. Things that make you smile and give you the real happiness and sometimes you just wish they happen and just wait.
And all your life goes down in that waiting only.
Isn’t this scary? Soooo scary! Thinking that all that you want will never happen and those will be just the incomplete wishes that will never come true and there is nobody who can help you or make them happen. Not a single One!
And these thoughts are always banging in my head telling me that all my wishes will never come true and will turn into a forever WISH! I know this is so sad. I mean why cant we just do what we want to do? Why there are so many things around you which doesn’t even make you happy and just stops you for living your dreams. Watching other people living their lives according to themselves and you staring them with those glittery eyes hoping that someday that will happen what you have always admired for and live with that little hope.
Its not like you are living some depressing life. You too have fun with your friends, sometimes party and dance on your own beats but somewhere inside you are answerable to somebody for your actions. Its like I want to have a drink and then a voice in your head pops and warns you.. “Ohh careful you need to get back home fine.” Well its fine, but sometimes you feel like doing whatever the hell you want to do without giving any explanations to anybody and simply live. Its like in that same situation : I want to have a drink and then that same sound in head pops with a different statement saying..”what? just one? Why? Lets party hard today people.” [STATUTORY WARNING: I am not asking anybody to drink all night and harm yourself in any way]
So you know these are very little examples for what I am trying to say here. The bad thing is that you have a long long life bucket list that probably will never happen. But still you wait. Wish again and dream. That is what positive life is right? You don’t care when will it happen or anything but one day you will go the road alone and sleep under the stars with your beloved.
All of this happen with me.
I keep on adding things in my list that might or might not happen (probably they wont) and just wait till they happen and watch other people living theirs. Maybe they are also dealing with some other kind of thing or live in another environment but They are not aliens right? So yeahh Maybe god has some other boring plans that i have never thought of.
But sometimes you need something good happen in your life that at least keeps up that hope that someday all those wishes will come true. I have been waiting for mine since I was 12. None has happened till now! But still smiling with open arms with that hope in my heart!
All around you are so selfish. All they care about is their feelings their things, their needs.
Even if they say that they love a person they’ll still think about themselves first. It’s so weird that we are the person who brings out term like unconditional love and selflessness but do they actually exist somewhere?
I don’t think so. Everyone in this world is so self-centred that they don’t think about the one they love too. And this is a very harsh fact.
Maybe even I am just the same. But when I compare things and situations how one person reacted and on the same situation how the other one and how I did. There is a huge difference. Of course this is what we call change that is inside every person. No one is alike. Each of us is different in every way. Ways like appearance, like likes or dislikes and things like their Nature.
People we love are the one we truly care about but when the choice is between the person we love and ourselves we choose us. Of course that’s human nature we call now a days.
But what is selflessness then? Was that just a term or people really existed who loves in that manner? Is it the era or the time we should blame that there is no such meaning left and love and care also comes with terms and conditions or never such thing actually happened.
It is not just in the terms of romance but in terms of every kind of love and relationship. Are we so ‘alone and happy with it’ that we don’t give a damn about anything around us and just care about what and how that is going affect us?
Sometimes all you need is that selfless love that may or may not exist but you have always admired and wanted. Everybody wants it. But don’t you think that for that even you need to change yourself and love people in your life without that T&C tag over it and just be selfless? I tried that too. I was selfless for some time and I still act like that too but when you don’t get anything like that in return it really hurts. Of course it will. Human nature we call it. But isn’t that’s selfish too? Becoming selfless in love because you expect the same and when you don’t get that you just run away or just break it up. That’s really complicated. I know it. I can feel those complications right now. And I know everybody did at least once in their lives. As a teenager people might think me as an overemotional thinker who tangles her thoughts about feelings and emotions and becoming selfless in love. Maybe they are right but these feelings are really hard to escape. You cannot just run away from all these feelings, at least I couldn’t. And all I realised from this is that definitions like ‘selfless’ and ‘unconditional’ love doesn’t exist in this world.
You love because you need someone who could love you the same way you do. Of course that is one of the kinds of love but not the one people dream about. We live in a practical world where all we need to do is think about ourselves and get what we want. This has been turned into a NEED. You have to be selfish if you want to survive. But all I wish for is to once experience the love and affection that is just for me and without any regulations and love the person in the same way. AND THIS IS NOT BEING SELFISH! I just want to experience it. And I am not asking to die for me what people think selfless love is. Just love without expecting anything in return.
PS: I am not generalising but interpreting one of the stages of life that might or might not occur in one’s life.