Its 2:03 AM in the morning and there is this sense of fear in my mind thinking about how my life would be in few months. Where will I end up? What will I do? What am I doing now? Why am I wasting my time writing this and not studying? And then there is this pause and then I can imagine my graduation degree in my hand with lots of memories. And thinking about that I feel like enjoying right now, not wasting a minute and collect as many memories as I can. But that’s not possible. Because that’s not practical. And I have to think practical as I am no more a kid now. That’s the rule number one which you have to follow when you enter in the world of adulthood. Its crazy how suddenly you have to think about your future and not about sugar candies anymore, even if you want to. I love sugar candies not just that I love everything that has sugar. It makes you fat, practically speaking but it makes you HAPPY!
It’s terrifying that after a point of time you have to take your own decisions and plan your life and you know what’s even scarier? That this was the life you always wanted when you were a kid. You wanted to be a grown up person and take your own decisions. But standing by your own is not an easy job. I am not even near that and when I try to plan things for my future I see myself sitting on the pot thinking that might help. But Shit! That doesn’t work anymore. Because now that you are on your own even the pot will not help you and all you can expect from it is to take your shit.
Sometimes I feel like shouting out loud and do stuff that I used to do when I was a carefree kid but then the very next moment someone or the other reminds me of my age and asks me to stop acting lame and stupid. But I don’t want to act normal. The kind of normal everybody behaves even if they don’t want to. As an adult you have to be mature. It fascinates you sometimes and it surely teaches you a lot of things but in the end of the day you want to sleep like a baby but now that you have left your childhood behind, you have to sleep with random confusing thoughts or just stay awake all night like me. I am not comparing myself with my parents or that age because I have no idea what they are thinking but what I know is they know what they are doing and what they will do for the rest of their lives. So, you know, this journey will never end. Like it or not.
WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD.
There will be times when you feel caged and tied with a rope you can’t burn. You want to express your feelings but you can’t because those will be misunderstood everywhere.
It is sad to accept the fact that the people you think are there for you are actually interpreting you in some other manner. Whether they are your parents or your siblings or the ones you love more than yourself.
Something like this is happening with me.
I try to control my thoughts because I know nobody would understand what they actually mean. And it is very hard. I know you would be thinking what actually happened but this is not about that one instance. It is about my whole life. In which I was never actually understood. My materialistic demands were of course granted but the emotions were always misunderstood.
People ask me why I am so against the patriarchal nature of people around me? The reply to this is because I have always suffered because of this nature. There was a time when slogans like girls are equal well there is still such existence of slogans but I don’t think anybody actually care about those. At least my parents don’t.
They still think that girls are better inside the house and that is the only place for them to survive. Oh! Lemme tell you that I do study and live in a hostel but still I hear these things when I come home and when there is an argument over something where my thoughts are not matching theirs that what I listen : ‘were we wrong to send you away for studies? We should have kept you home so that your thought process would not work like it does now.’
I mean Why??? When you do send your girls out then when you are so insecure that they will bring shame to the name of your family which actually does not matter to anybody in the whole fucking world except a few people around you who don’t really respect you the way you expect. And because of these things you stop your girl to express her thoughts keeping in the mind the mentality other people have?????
YES! Things like these are still there in the world of 2015.
This is so annoying. You want to go out. But you can’t because it’s not safe for girls. And even if it’s safe it is a shame that a girl hangs around like boys.
Many of you must be thinking that these have gone away long ago. But no! They still exist. They still are there affecting the lives of people. I won’t say every home has such things but yes there are people who wants to control the lives of their baby girls who actually want to fly away and live their life according to themselves.
There will be many who cannot actually relate to this but there will be girls who would cry thinking about these things.
You keep your girl in pressure of something you want out of her, that you planned according to yourself for her life without asking if she is okay with it. That’s really sad.
Let her understand the meaning of life because God has already made a plan for her which is way stronger than yours.
I am not saying parents like these are bad or anything. They are right on their part. As for them they are planning a secure life for their baby girl but the baby girl is no more a baby. She wants to know the world which you are trying to hide and know the people you want to beware her. So that she is much mature to know that whom she should be with and whom she should not.
Stop misunderstanding the mental process rather change yours.
All around you are so selfish. All they care about is their feelings their things, their needs.
Even if they say that they love a person they’ll still think about themselves first. It’s so weird that we are the person who brings out term like unconditional love and selflessness but do they actually exist somewhere?
I don’t think so. Everyone in this world is so self-centred that they don’t think about the one they love too. And this is a very harsh fact.
Maybe even I am just the same. But when I compare things and situations how one person reacted and on the same situation how the other one and how I did. There is a huge difference. Of course this is what we call change that is inside every person. No one is alike. Each of us is different in every way. Ways like appearance, like likes or dislikes and things like their Nature.
People we love are the one we truly care about but when the choice is between the person we love and ourselves we choose us. Of course that’s human nature we call now a days.
But what is selflessness then? Was that just a term or people really existed who loves in that manner? Is it the era or the time we should blame that there is no such meaning left and love and care also comes with terms and conditions or never such thing actually happened.
It is not just in the terms of romance but in terms of every kind of love and relationship. Are we so ‘alone and happy with it’ that we don’t give a damn about anything around us and just care about what and how that is going affect us?
Sometimes all you need is that selfless love that may or may not exist but you have always admired and wanted. Everybody wants it. But don’t you think that for that even you need to change yourself and love people in your life without that T&C tag over it and just be selfless? I tried that too. I was selfless for some time and I still act like that too but when you don’t get anything like that in return it really hurts. Of course it will. Human nature we call it. But isn’t that’s selfish too? Becoming selfless in love because you expect the same and when you don’t get that you just run away or just break it up. That’s really complicated. I know it. I can feel those complications right now. And I know everybody did at least once in their lives. As a teenager people might think me as an overemotional thinker who tangles her thoughts about feelings and emotions and becoming selfless in love. Maybe they are right but these feelings are really hard to escape. You cannot just run away from all these feelings, at least I couldn’t. And all I realised from this is that definitions like ‘selfless’ and ‘unconditional’ love doesn’t exist in this world.
You love because you need someone who could love you the same way you do. Of course that is one of the kinds of love but not the one people dream about. We live in a practical world where all we need to do is think about ourselves and get what we want. This has been turned into a NEED. You have to be selfish if you want to survive. But all I wish for is to once experience the love and affection that is just for me and without any regulations and love the person in the same way. AND THIS IS NOT BEING SELFISH! I just want to experience it. And I am not asking to die for me what people think selfless love is. Just love without expecting anything in return.
PS: I am not generalising but interpreting one of the stages of life that might or might not occur in one’s life.